I just checked with my wife, and I have done 4 retreats of various lengths this year. I’m already planning more. This isn’t unusual for me. Over the last decade and a half this has been the norm. You may ask why. In fact, there have been times when I have asked myself why. The answers have varied over time. As I reflect on this retreat with Rebecca Li, the question “why” is prominent in my mind.
What draws us to practice? For me it was the nagging question of “what is this”? Intellectual pursuits never provided me with a satisfactory answer. A long winding road led to Chan and here I began to find some hope of resolution. Enlightenment became the goal. It seemed like a noble one and one I was drawn to. So, I practiced in earnest.
Over the years so much has changed. Looking back, I certainly am not what I was a decade and a half ago. Its like wear on stair tread. You don’t see it day to day, but one day you notice a groove has been warn where feet have walked. The pursuit of enlightenment has had its use.
In this retreat Rebecca asked us to look at how we hide from ourselves in our sitting, how we select aspects of ourselves to look at, and others we would rather not. We were asked to look at our lives as well and see how our strategies on the cushion carried over to our day-to-day life. We talked about common blocking techniques, fogging out, being a gate keeper to thoughts, blocking them frantically as they arose, and intellectualisation. With a smile I freely admitted to guilt on all counts at some point in my life.
In contemplating these traps we make for ourselves, I began to focus on intellectualisation. I started looking at concepts and ideas and how they affect experience. I began to investigate the concept of enlightenment and my pursuit of it.
What was my pursuit of the image, the concept, the word enlightenment doing to my practice, to my life? What was my gage of growth? Was it some experience, and if it was just that, what was the point? Then the question arose, did the Buddha pursue enlightenment?
Arguably he did, with many teachers, and none satisfied him. I wonder sometimes what he saw on those journeys, but in the end, under bodhi tree, after seeing the morning star, something happened. After this something happened, he gave his first sermon about the four noble truths. In that sermon, after all his efforts, he spoke to what drove him from the palace in the first palace. He spoke to the topic of suffering. The revelations he expressed were the four noble truths and the 8-fold path, not some experience. I reflected on our bodhisattva vows; the vow to free all sentient beings, to end endless vexations, to master limitless approaches to dharma, and finally to pursue Buddhahood. No mention of wonderous experiences here. All these core teachings speak to the cessation of suffering.
When I ask the question will I be enlightened I answer maybe. For the first time my heart is satisfied with that answer. In the place of the search for enlightenment I feel a growing appreciation of Metta and Metta Contemplation. Its not just about feeling good.
The work is to ensure that I am healthy, I am happy, I am at peace, I am safe; and that those around me are healthy, happy, at peace, and safe. The work is to end suffering.
It’s always exciting when a new door opens. I wonder where it will lead. I would like to thank Rebecca for being, yet again, a catalyst for my growth. This has consistently been my experience in Rebecca’s retreats, and for that reason I will engage in more of them as causes and conditions allow. If you are reading this, I invite you to do the same.
Written by Tom Kaczmarski 2022.4.22
Photo: Vancouver Chan Meditation Centre